It's been a while, allow me to reintroduce myself.
I used to have this blog as a place where I could rant specifically for my depression called Tears, Smiles & Me. But it's gone; goodbye TSM. Now I want to branch out into something more, yes I still feel the same way as I did before (hey that rhymed), but I want to help myself- not just drown myself in my worries and sorrows. I am a huge lover of makeup, books, decor, interior design, etc; so I wanted to document and review it on here. Things are slightly new and I've not done a review blog in about 2-3 years so things are going to be all over the place! (I need to work on my structures.)
As you can tell, I've still left up some of my old posts and I just wanted to inform you (whoever 'you' could be) that I'm not longer with those girls- I have completely washed my hands with them and I must say...I've never felt more free. Why didn't I do this months ago? Probably because I was scared. I was on my own for a couple days but then some really lovely girls asked me if I wanted to join them for lunch (I've known the main girl since year 7- I'm year 10 now.) I like this new chapter of my life, and no it's not perfect but it's not as rubbish either. Those other nasty girls were definitely a big contributor to my depression and now I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, to be honest.
I've also started exercising A LOT more, and I. FEEL. GREAT! I mean, my heart's not in trouble any more, I don't eat as much crap, and I can walk up the 3 flights of stairs at school without tasting blood (tmi? soz.)
So, yeah, I've started a new chapter in my life and I feel loads better.
M ♥
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
Sunday, 25 January 2015
Are these types of people really 'friends'?
So I've been friends with these two girls for just over 2 years now, at my school, and I never thought I really slotted into place with them. I never really realised why I didn't fit in until recently.
Like, we have the same interests, we talk about the same things, we like and hate the same people but something never worked. As if it was the wrong key to the lock that let me unlock the whole 'friendship', if you will.
I realised recently that I am not the specific problem here, I think it's just up to them when they want to be asses. They make fun of me, they take the mick out of things I like, and are quite controversial and contradicting about it. For example, I like a specific band that were on the X Factor last year (Stereo Kicks) and whenever I talk about them (which is not often because they get all pissy about it), they roll their eyes, take the mick, tell me to stop obsessing over people who don't even know I exist and who will never know I exist. The funny thing is though, they love Olly Murs just as much as I love my band, and they talk about him a load more than I do. A few weeks ago, when they were having 'fangirl attacks' over him when all 3 of us were at one of their houses, I said "See, this is I feel about Stereo Kicks, like you guys do about Olly Murs", obviously in a joking manner. But what made me mad was when one of them said 'At least he's made something of his life" in the bluntest form possible; if any of you know who Olly Murs is, then you'll know he was on the X Factor in 2009, therefore he was in the exact same situation Stereo Kicks are in now, 5 years ago. It just shows they have to have a dig at everything I love/have, even stooping down to that level.
These girls constantly want their views heard and won't stop going on until anyone else gives in, and always claim they're right. I hate it, it makes me feel like shit, and when they play the innocent/vulnerable card- that's when shit hits home.
Are these people really the type of people I want as friends? No, f*ck no. But I have no other friends, I have one friend who's home-schooled and one friend who lives in Birmingham (2-3 hours away from me), but other than that I have no friends. And it really sucks. I feel lonely and tired of all the shit I'm given, like I just want to give up. I don't want to be 'that kid' that goes around school with her head hung low, walking by herself, eating by herself, just by herself. The girl from Birmingham is one of the nicest people I've ever come across, to be honest, I wish she went to my school, at least then we both wouldn't feel so lonely, as she's in a similar situation.
I'm seeing my head of year tomorrow morning and she's really chill and helpful and gives me cups of tea. Hopefully she'll make things a little better as I feel more and more lonely as each day goes by.
M ♥
Like, we have the same interests, we talk about the same things, we like and hate the same people but something never worked. As if it was the wrong key to the lock that let me unlock the whole 'friendship', if you will.
I realised recently that I am not the specific problem here, I think it's just up to them when they want to be asses. They make fun of me, they take the mick out of things I like, and are quite controversial and contradicting about it. For example, I like a specific band that were on the X Factor last year (Stereo Kicks) and whenever I talk about them (which is not often because they get all pissy about it), they roll their eyes, take the mick, tell me to stop obsessing over people who don't even know I exist and who will never know I exist. The funny thing is though, they love Olly Murs just as much as I love my band, and they talk about him a load more than I do. A few weeks ago, when they were having 'fangirl attacks' over him when all 3 of us were at one of their houses, I said "See, this is I feel about Stereo Kicks, like you guys do about Olly Murs", obviously in a joking manner. But what made me mad was when one of them said 'At least he's made something of his life" in the bluntest form possible; if any of you know who Olly Murs is, then you'll know he was on the X Factor in 2009, therefore he was in the exact same situation Stereo Kicks are in now, 5 years ago. It just shows they have to have a dig at everything I love/have, even stooping down to that level.
These girls constantly want their views heard and won't stop going on until anyone else gives in, and always claim they're right. I hate it, it makes me feel like shit, and when they play the innocent/vulnerable card- that's when shit hits home.
Are these people really the type of people I want as friends? No, f*ck no. But I have no other friends, I have one friend who's home-schooled and one friend who lives in Birmingham (2-3 hours away from me), but other than that I have no friends. And it really sucks. I feel lonely and tired of all the shit I'm given, like I just want to give up. I don't want to be 'that kid' that goes around school with her head hung low, walking by herself, eating by herself, just by herself. The girl from Birmingham is one of the nicest people I've ever come across, to be honest, I wish she went to my school, at least then we both wouldn't feel so lonely, as she's in a similar situation.
I'm seeing my head of year tomorrow morning and she's really chill and helpful and gives me cups of tea. Hopefully she'll make things a little better as I feel more and more lonely as each day goes by.
M ♥
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Falling back into the well
Jeez it's been a long time, haven't posted since May 2014, and it's now January 2015. Well, happy new year..sort of.
This blog was always going to be about myself, my troubles, my failures, my successions, my thoughts and my depression. I wanted to have this blog to be able to write (or type) down my feelings and any issues that occur in my life but I've never really been very good at sticking to things. Like diaries, those were crap. When I started writing, it kind of relieved me to write down things that were happening as it allowed me to get it off my chest and not have to force it on to anyone else and make it their problem.
I think I stopped writing on here (and deleted all my old posts) because I felt like I was getting better and to be honest, I mainly just forgot. I lost interest, I couldn't be bothered, I felt like I had so many things in my head I couldn't even work out how to get them into a list (let alone a coherent blog post.) All the things I had bottled up wanted to come out of me but I just didn't know how to do it; like when you shake a Coke can and it fizzes and you open the tab and it explodes- I feel like that. And when the explosion happens, it just all happens like the froth, and goes everywhere and seems like a huge mess, and then it might go on others and they'll have to clean up with you but you don't want it being their mess. (What a metaphor, btw!)
You may be a little confused (whoever 'you' are) by the title of the post, well let me explain. I read somewhere that depression was like being stuck in a well; and you can't get out, and sometimes you can see the light at the top of the well but you can't reach it, and you're just waiting for someone to dangle a rope down and say "Grab on, I'll help you out." And that has always stuck with me, since researching about my feelings when I first started feeling them. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was getting better, that my spirits were lifting, but I realise now that I don't think I was. I think I was almost indoctrinating myself to believe I was, and to do that to yourself...that shits harsh. I was leading myself to believe that I could do it, but then I started feeling crap again, and, essentially, falling back into the well.
I always hear things like 'It gets better!' and I genuinely thought that was what was happening to me. But then school turned bad, friends turned bad, life turned bad. I went back to having no energy all day, and crying for no reason and all things like that. Also, as of mid-2014, I realised I had proper anxiety; I've thought for a long time I've had anxiety as I'd had a couple of panic attacks in the past, but I went and did some research and from my 'symptoms' I'm pretty sure it's anxiety- I don't know what else it could be. Honestly, having depression AND anxiety sucks, it's like I really don't give a f**k about this homework, how will it help me? and I really need to do that homework because I don't want to get shouted at and get a detention and what if this happens and what if that happens, ALL AT ONCE. It's like being a procrastinator and a perfectionist at once: want good grades but can't be bothered to do the work. Really sucks.
Anyway, that's my first spiel in about 8 months, enjoy that.
If you want to share anything, please do in the comments below, I would really appreciate it as it would make me feel slightly less alone.
M ♥
This blog was always going to be about myself, my troubles, my failures, my successions, my thoughts and my depression. I wanted to have this blog to be able to write (or type) down my feelings and any issues that occur in my life but I've never really been very good at sticking to things. Like diaries, those were crap. When I started writing, it kind of relieved me to write down things that were happening as it allowed me to get it off my chest and not have to force it on to anyone else and make it their problem.
I think I stopped writing on here (and deleted all my old posts) because I felt like I was getting better and to be honest, I mainly just forgot. I lost interest, I couldn't be bothered, I felt like I had so many things in my head I couldn't even work out how to get them into a list (let alone a coherent blog post.) All the things I had bottled up wanted to come out of me but I just didn't know how to do it; like when you shake a Coke can and it fizzes and you open the tab and it explodes- I feel like that. And when the explosion happens, it just all happens like the froth, and goes everywhere and seems like a huge mess, and then it might go on others and they'll have to clean up with you but you don't want it being their mess. (What a metaphor, btw!)
You may be a little confused (whoever 'you' are) by the title of the post, well let me explain. I read somewhere that depression was like being stuck in a well; and you can't get out, and sometimes you can see the light at the top of the well but you can't reach it, and you're just waiting for someone to dangle a rope down and say "Grab on, I'll help you out." And that has always stuck with me, since researching about my feelings when I first started feeling them. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was getting better, that my spirits were lifting, but I realise now that I don't think I was. I think I was almost indoctrinating myself to believe I was, and to do that to yourself...that shits harsh. I was leading myself to believe that I could do it, but then I started feeling crap again, and, essentially, falling back into the well.
I always hear things like 'It gets better!' and I genuinely thought that was what was happening to me. But then school turned bad, friends turned bad, life turned bad. I went back to having no energy all day, and crying for no reason and all things like that. Also, as of mid-2014, I realised I had proper anxiety; I've thought for a long time I've had anxiety as I'd had a couple of panic attacks in the past, but I went and did some research and from my 'symptoms' I'm pretty sure it's anxiety- I don't know what else it could be. Honestly, having depression AND anxiety sucks, it's like I really don't give a f**k about this homework, how will it help me? and I really need to do that homework because I don't want to get shouted at and get a detention and what if this happens and what if that happens, ALL AT ONCE. It's like being a procrastinator and a perfectionist at once: want good grades but can't be bothered to do the work. Really sucks.
Anyway, that's my first spiel in about 8 months, enjoy that.
If you want to share anything, please do in the comments below, I would really appreciate it as it would make me feel slightly less alone.
M ♥
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