Falling back into the well

Jeez it's been a long time, haven't posted since May 2014, and it's now January 2015. Well, happy new year..sort of.

This blog was always going to be about myself, my troubles, my failures, my successions, my thoughts and my depression. I wanted to have this blog to be able to write (or type) down my feelings and any issues that occur in my life but I've never really been very good at sticking to things. Like diaries, those were crap. When I started writing, it kind of relieved me to write down things that were happening as it allowed me to get it off my chest and not have to force it on to anyone else and make it their problem.

I think I stopped writing on here (and deleted all my old posts) because I felt like I was getting better and to be honest, I mainly just forgot. I lost interest, I couldn't be bothered, I felt like I had so many things in my head I couldn't even work out how to get them into a list (let alone a coherent blog post.) All the things I had bottled up wanted to come out of me but I just didn't know how to do it; like when you shake a Coke can and it fizzes and you open the tab and it explodes- I feel like that. And when the explosion happens, it just all happens like the froth, and goes everywhere and seems like a huge mess, and then it might go on others and they'll have to clean up with you but you don't want it being their mess. (What a metaphor, btw!)

You may be a little confused (whoever 'you' are) by the title of the post, well let me explain. I read somewhere that depression was like being stuck in a well; and you can't get out, and sometimes you can see the light at the top of the well but you can't reach it, and you're just waiting for someone to dangle a rope down and say "Grab on, I'll help you out." And that has always stuck with me, since researching about my feelings when I first started feeling them. To be perfectly honest, I thought I was getting better, that my spirits were lifting, but I realise now that I don't think I was. I think I was almost indoctrinating myself to believe I was, and to do that to yourself...that shits harsh. I was leading myself to believe that I could do it, but then I started feeling crap again, and, essentially, falling back into the well.

I always hear things like 'It gets better!' and I genuinely thought that was what was happening to me. But then school turned bad, friends turned bad, life turned bad. I went back to having no energy all day, and crying for no reason and all things like that. Also, as of mid-2014, I realised I had proper anxiety; I've thought for a long time I've had anxiety as I'd had a couple of panic attacks in the past, but I went and did some research and from my 'symptoms' I'm pretty sure it's anxiety- I don't know what else it could be. Honestly, having depression AND anxiety sucks, it's like I really don't give a f**k about this homework, how will it help me? and I really need to do that homework because I don't want to get shouted at and get a detention and what if this happens and what if that happens, ALL AT ONCE. It's like being a procrastinator and a perfectionist at once: want good grades but can't be bothered to do the work. Really sucks.

Anyway, that's my first spiel in about 8 months, enjoy that.

If you want to share anything, please do in the comments below, I would really appreciate it as it would make me feel slightly less alone.


M ♥